


Incorrect Swan Queen

by BlueHoneyBee



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Based on those posts all over tumblr, Drunken Shenanigans, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Inconsistent Chapters, Incorrect Quotes, Incorrect SQ, MATH (dear lord not the math), Married Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Married Swan Queen, One Has Nothing To Do With The Other, Shenanigans caused by magical mishaps, Sober Shenanigans, married sq
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-26 20:50:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 6,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15671058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueHoneyBee/pseuds/BlueHoneyBee
Summary: A series of very short ficlets based on those "Incorrect Swan Queen" posts all over tumblr. Each chapter is it's own story with no real link between eachother except for the fact that they're all Swan Queen. NOTE: I'm leaving one of them out because I'm using it in another fic of mine ;)





	1. Like FedEx

“So how’s Regina?” Snow asked as she and Henry sat in the diner having lunch.

“She’s cool.” Henry nodded. “Now that all that weird curse stuff has blown over and the town isn’t, you know, baying for her blood as much.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, she uhh...actually asked if she could join us for lunch today. I hope it’s okay.” the boy asked.

“Oh no. Henry. Emma will be here.” Snow said. “We don’t want them arguing.”

“I think they’ll be fine.” Henry shrugged.

“I worry.” Snow sighed.

“Look, see.” Henry pointed. Snow turned around in her seat to look out the window of the diner to see Emma and Regina. Talking. Calmly.

“Oh…” Snow said. “Well that’s...new.”

And just then Emma said something, it must have been some kind of a joke, because she was giving Regina one of her cocky smirks. And Regina was...laughing. Actually full on laughing.

“They’re...cute.” Snow said, a smile appearing on her face. “I would...put them in a boat.”

“What?” Henry asked, giving his grandmother a confused look. 

“You know...put them in a boat.”

“You mean...you  _ ship  _ them?” Henry asked. Snow grinned and looked back at Emma and Regina.

“Like FedEx.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	2. Big Fucking Nerd

**_Monday, 9AM_ **

“Hey Regina I have the budget r-” Emma said as she walked into the Mayor’s office, stopping when she saw Regina sitting in her chair, her glasses sitting on the tip of her nose as she read whatever was sitting on her desk. The blonde stood there for a moment staring straight at her.

“Emma?” Regina asked. “Are you-”

But suddenly, Emma turned around and left the office, shutting the door behind her. 

“Well...That was odd.”

**_Tuesday, 9AM_ **

Regina took her glasses off and sipped at her coffee, stretching out her neck, when a knock came on the door.

“Come in.” she said. The door opened just a crack, and she caught sight of a familiar green eye peeking through before the door burst open and Emma Swan rushed in like a freaking hurricane.

“Regina! Oh my god! There was the biggest fucking nerd sitting in your exact seat yesterday!” Emma said, her eyes wide as she pressed her hands down on her desk and leaned over it. Regina stared at the blonde in wonder for a beat before she realised what she was talking about.

“That was me with my glasses on.” she said. Emma’s eyes suddenly filled with confusion.

“Since when do you wear glasses?” she asked. Regina rolled her eyes and picked the item in question up, placing them primly on her nose to show Emma that it was true.

“See?” she said. Emma started at her. 

“Those...are really hot, actually.” 

“Not so much of a ‘big fucking nerd’ now am I?” Regina smirked.

“I...well…” Emma blushed.

“Do you have a budget report for me, Sheriff?” the mayor asked.

“Yes.” Emma handed the folder to her gingerly. Regina took it and nodded.

“You may go.”

“But-”

“Bye Emma.”

The blonde left her girlfriend’s office with a whine and Regina opened the report with a victorious smile on her face.  _ Big fucking nerd  _ indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	3. Something Stupid

“Madame Mayor? Your 2 O’clock is here.” her secretary’s voice came through the intercom.

“Crap!” Regina nearly tumbled off of Emma and her couch and onto the floor. “Get up! Get dressed!”

“What?!” Emma shot off the couch in a panic, pulling up her pants while trying to find her shirt at the same time. 

“Madame Mayor?” her secretary called again, hoping for a response.

“Jesus just tell her you’re still in a meeting with the Sheriff!” Emma sighed.

“That won’t work.” Regina buttoned her shirt as quickly as she could.

“Why not? Who the hell does ‘2 O’Clock’ think they are?” Emma pulled her shirt down roughly.

A knock on the door. “Regina?”

“Is that-”

“Just a sec-” Regina was about to say, but Snow White walked in to find them both dishevelled and frantic. “-ond.”

“What were you doing?” Snow asked with a confused look as she took in both their appearances.

“Oh just...Something stupid.” Regina answered with a shrug. Emma got a cocky smirk on her face.

“I’m something stupid.” she said, giving Regina a wink before she walked out of the office. Snow gave her daughter a confused look as she left, and then it hit her the second the blonde closed the door.

“...Wait.”

“I believe you’re here to talk about our school’s arts program?” Regina interjected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	4. The Time Regina Got Drunk

“Where is she?!” Zelena demanded as she rushed into the diner, where Ruby stood just at the opening that lead to the back of the building. The werewolf had texted Zelena, telling her that she should probably come over and collect her sister, but didn’t answer the redhead’s questions of whether or not Regina was okay.

“Over here.” Ruby said. Zelena got to the other end of the room so fast, Ruby had to wonder if she used magic to do it. 

“Regina?” the older mills’ woman asked, looking down at her sister who was sitting on the floor, in tears, with an almost empty bottle of whiskey next to her. “Why is Regina crying on the floor?”

“She’s drunk.” Ruby answered.

“And?”

“She saw a picture of Emma’s girlfriend.” Ruby sighed.

“But…” Zelena thought for a moment “ _ She’s  _ Emma’s girlfriend.”

“I fucking know.” Ruby let out another exasperated sigh before turning around and walking away. Zelena rolled her eyes.

“Come on sis, let’s get you home.” she said, bending over and helping Regina up. 

“She’s too pretty Zee!” Regina sobbed.

“Sweetie...that’s you.”

“Huh?”

“The woman in the picture is you.”

“Oh…” Regina deflated, the sobbing seemingly stopping. When Zelena glanced over, Regina was sleeping on her shoulder. 

“Lovely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	5. Just Take Your Things And Go!

“You’re being a little unreasonable.” Emma argued with her mother as Regina walked into the apartment.

“What’s going on?” Regina asked.

“Emma wants to move out.” Snow answered with a hint of sass before she shot a glare at her daughter again. “Said that living with us has become a ‘burden’”

“I said  _ I  _ didn’t want to be a burden!” Emma argued. 

“No you did not! You said there was too much noise in this cramped little ‘hell hole’ as you called it, and that you’d rather be on your own than with your family!” Snow crossed her arms.

“Mom we only have two bedrooms and you need it for the nursery!” the blonde said. 

“We’ve always made do, Emma! I lived in a one bedroom cottage with seven dwarves for god’s sake!” Snow shot back.

“That’s your damage.” Emma rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to end up having to draw straws for who gets the bed!”

“Fine.” Snow said. “Just take your things and go!”

“Fine!” Emma shouted back before promptly turning around, throwing Regina over her shoulder, and walking towards the door.

“Emma Swan put me  _ down! _ ” Regina said, trying, and failing, not to laugh at the implication. (and also Snow White’s suddenly much-whiter-than-usual face.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	6. First Date Jitters

“Would you stop being so nervous?” Snow chided. “If you keep fidgeting, there’s no way I’m going to manage to wing your eyeliner.”

“Sorry...I’m just…” Emma sighed.

“Nervous.” Snow nodded. “It’s a date, Emma, not your wedding.”

“Oh god.” Emma sighed. “Now I’m picturing Regina in a wedding dress.”

“Enough.” Snow put the eyeliner down and lightly tapped her daughter’s cheeks. “Regina wouldn’t have said yes to this date if she didn't like you. Now you are going to go over there, you are going to give her flowers and you are going to charm the pants off of her, you got that?”

“Mom?”

“What?”

“What if she’s wearing a dress?”

“Emma.” Snow rolled her eyes. “It’s a figure of speech.”

“Sorry...I take things literally when I’m nervous.” the blonde sighed.

“Emma you’ll be fine.” Snow reassured.

“Okay.” she nodded. “Okay yeah. So flowers…”

“Hide them behind your back so she doesn’t see them coming.” Snow nodded.

“Yeah good idea...and I should open the car door for her right?”

“Very good, very romantic.” Snow nodded.

“Wait...What if Regina kisses me?” Emma asked.

“You kiss her back.” Snow shrugged.

“Oh. Okay.” Emma nodded, staring at her mother for a second. “But why her back though?”

“Emma!”

“I’m sorry! I’m nervous!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	7. Matchmaker

“So, here we have pictures of all of Storybrooke’s eligible bachelors.” Zelena said, dumping a box of photos out on the coffee table in front of Emma. 

“Ugh, guys, this is really unnecessary.” the blonde rolled her eyes. “I just broke up with Hook.”

“Exactly! You need to get back out there, get into the swing of things and get...laid, essentially.” Zelena shrugged.

“Why is there a picture of Regina and Robin in here?” Emma asked.

“Oh I should probably have cut Regina out. She broke up with him.” Zelena shrugged. 

“Well I’m not dating  _ him.  _ That would just be...I don’t know...weird.” Emma said, still looking at the picture.

“Okay, let’s start slow. Emma, what do you find most attractive about boys?” Snow asked.

“Usually, their girlfriends.” Emma mumbled, still staring at the picture in her hand. 

“What?” Snow asked in confusion

“What?” Emma asked wide eyed, trying to pretend she never said anything. But her slip of the tongue made Zelena realise  _ who  _ she was looking at in that picture the blonde was still holding, and a wicked grin formed on her face as a plan formed in her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	8. Math

“Mom, will you help me with my math homework?” Henry asked.

“I can help you, I doubt Emma is equipped for it, no offence dear.” Regina said.

“Hey what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just mean that you use a calculator for everything.” Regina shrugged. “And that’s not allowed for homework.”

“I can do quick math.” Emma shrugged.

“No you can’t.” 

“Test me, Regina. I  _ can  _ do quick math.” Emma sat up straight with a challenging look in her eyes. 

“Alright.” Regina shrugged. “What’s twenty-nine times sixty-three?”

“Thirty seven.” Emma shot the answer out before Regina even finished the last word fully.

“That’s not even  _ remotely  _ close.” Regina said.

“But it  _ was  _ quick.” Emma smirked. Regina rolled her eyes.

“Hey that’s it!” Henry grinned.

“What’s it?” his mothers asked.

“Thirty-seven! It’s the answer to my question!”

“HAH!” Emma cheered victoriously

“You cannot be serious.” Regina said at the same time.

“Thanks mom!” Henry said as he ran off to finish his homework.

“No problem kid.” Emma gave Regina a shit eating grin. The mayor walked closer to the blonde, pushing her knee in between Emma’s to pull her legs apart gently and stand in between them. 

“What’s thirty-four point five times two?” Regina asked. 

“Uhhhh fifty seven?” Emma asked, her hands being lifted up around Regina’s waist by the brunette herself. The former queen leaned down and whispered into the sheriff’s ear.

“Sixty-nine.”

“Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	9. Fist Me!

“Yeah bitch!” Emma cheered as the kraken disintegrated into nothingness. “That’ll teach you to mess with Storybrooke and the big bad mayor! Woo!”

Regina smirked at Emma, who’s magic must still have been buzzing in her veins, and coupled with the rush of victory, was making her rather loud in her celebrations.

“Another day, another horrendous creature taken down, isn’t that right Sheriff?” she said as she walked over to the blonde.

“Hell yeah!” Emma cheered. “Fist me!”

Regina felt dizzy for a moment. “I...what the-”

Emma held out her fist for a fist bump with a grin on her face.

“Right. That’s what you-” Regina gently bumped her fist against Emma’s. The blonde cheered and and clapped Regina’s shoulder.

“Come on! I could use a victory cheese burger.” she said.

“Right, okay, god. Jesus fucking chr-” Regina sighed and cursed to herself as Emma started walking towards the diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	10. F- The Police!

“Dammit!” Emma crumpled a paper up and threw it down on the ground in frustration.

“What?” Regina asked.

“Mulan gave me a ticket for double parking! She’s  _ my  _ deputy.” She groaned. “Fuck the police!”

“You...are the police.” Regina raised a brow at her. Emma sobered for a moment before she turned to Regina, giving her a smirk and a wink. Getting an eye roll in return.

“After the town meeting, Sheriff.” Regina said. “And only if you’re good.”

“Ugh.” Emma rolled her eyes. “So much for the government wanting to screw you over.”

“Over her desk, maybe.” Regina winked at her as she walked towards her own car. “See you there, Emma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	11. The Time Emma Got Drunk

“Where is she?” Snow asked as she walked into the diner calmly. Ruby had texted her that she needed to pick up Emma, and Snow didn’t really ask any questions besides confirming that it was at the diner.

“Over here.” Ruby said, standing by the doorway that lead to the back of the diner. Snow walked over and, with a quirk of her brow, looked down to see Emma on the floor, crying.

“Why is Emma crying on the floor?”

“She’s drunk.” Ruby answered. “And saw a picture of Regina.”

“So?” Snow asked.

“She tried to talk to it.” Ruby looked at Snow like she was 5000% done. 

“What?”

“When it didn’t respond, she started crying.” Ruby finished, sighing in exasperation and walking away.

“Emma, sweetie…” Snow moved to help her daughter up, but Emma continued to sob and hold her phone that held a picture of Regina.

“REGIIIIINAAAAA TALK TO MEEEE.” the blonde sobbed.

Snow sighed. “Ruby, do you have any ice cold water?”

“Now we’re talking!” Ruby said, picking up a bucket.

“A glass will do fine!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	12. Grammar

“I’m never gonna get this.” Emma sighed. “Why does it even matter?”

“It matters. If you have bad grammar, the chances are  _ Henry  _ will have bad grammar and I will be damned if my son grows up speaking like a peasant.” Regina rolled her eyes.

“I do  _ not  _ speak like a peasant. Someone just...came up with a useless rule!” Emma sighed.

“Quit complaining. It’s simple.” Regina sighed. “If you can replace the word ‘who’ with ‘she’ or ‘he’ then it stays like that. If you can replace it with ‘his’ or ‘her’ then it’s  _ whom. _ ”

“Okay I’ll try.” Emma sighed. “But I still think it’s a useless rule.”

“Just try, please?”

“I will.” Emma nodded. “Are we still doing lunch with Henry?”

“He should be on his way to the diner by now, let’s go meet him there.” Regina nodded.

They drove to the diner, Emma still thinking about the grammar lesson Regina had given her. When they walked into the diner, Henry’s back was turned to the door.

“Hey kid.” Emma patted him on the back and sat down next to him.

“H-hey.” he said timidly.

“You okay?”

“Fine.”

Regina sat down across from him, smiling at her son. But before she could greet him, she noticed the bruise on his cheek. “Henry! What is that?”

“Nothing!” He said. Emma grabbed him and turned him fully towards her so she could be able to see it.

“Henry what happened?” she asked.

“I got into a fight.” Henry said quietly.

“Who the fuck-” Emma exclaimed but got cut off by Regina.

“Language!” 

“Sorry.  _ Whom  _ the fuck-”

“No!” Regina sighed. “I mean don’t curse in front of our son!”

“I think we have bigger things to worry about!” Emma sighed. 

“Guys it’s okay. He got detention...and I kinda gave him a bloody nose.”

His mothers turned to him in unison. “Henry Daniel Mills!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	13. Board Game Night

“Good morning Emma.” Snow said as she walked into the Sheriff’s station.

“Hey mom.” Emma said around half a bearclaw that was currently being beaten to submission in her mouth. “What’s up?”

“Your sugar levels if you keep eating those things.” Snow said, looking pointedly at the box of donuts.

“They were a gift from the dwarves.” Emma said as if that made any difference to her blood sugars.

“Anyway.” Snow rolled her eyes fondly. “I was hoping you and Regina could watch Neal this Friday? David wants to take me out on a date night.”

“Sure, we can introduce him to board game night.” Emma grinned.

“Oh! Uhhhh...maybe I should ask Granny then.” Snow said nervously.

“What? Why?” Emma asked looking offended.

“Well, no offence Emma but...you and Regina tend to get a little uhhhh... _ heated _ during board game night.” Snow said. “I don’t want Neal to get upset or maybe, you know, woken up.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous, we just...joke around! We’re not actually fighting when we fight like that.”

“Well I don’t know…” Snow sighed.

“Trust me, it’ll be fine.” Emma said. “Neal’s getting older, maybe he’ll start learning that basics of Monopoly and he’ll be a tycoon by the time he’s my age.”

“Sure.” Snow rolled her eyes. “We’ll bring him around seven.”

“Sounds good.” Emma nodded. 

**_Friday, 7PM._ **

“Emma?” Snow said as she and David walked in, Neal in Snow’s arms.

“They’re probably in the living room.” David said, his wife heading that way when all of a sudden…

“You’re a lying, stealing piece of shit!” They heard Emma shout, standing up and pointing her finger angrily towards Regina, who sat primly on the couch, not phased by Emma’s accusations. “You’re  _ not  _ the woman I married!”

“Then we’ll get divorced.” Regina shrugged. “And I’m taking Henry!”

Emma gasped in indignation and Henry, feeling incredibly awkward, placed his hands on the Monopoly board that sat on the coffee table.

“I think we should stop playing now.” he said, sliding the board away.

“Henry Daniel Mills, if you move my hotel you are  _ grounded. _ ” Regina threatened.

“Don’t you threaten my son like that!” Emma said.

“Oh sure, he’s  _ my _ son when he’s being annoying and waking you up, but he’s  _ yours  _ when his disruptions to the game work in your favour!” Regina stood up, leaning over and jabbing a finger in Emma’s chest narrowing her eyes at her threateningly. “I’d avoid any apples if I were you.”

“I’m sure you’ll come and kiss me awake the  _ minute _ you need the gutters cleaned out.” Emma waved the brunette’s hand away. 

“Enough!” Snow exclaimed, finally getting their attention, both women had the right sense to blush and look mildly ashamed of themselves at least. “Henry, pack up the game. From now on you’re playing Jenga.”

“Oh hell no!” Emma shook her head and pointed at Regina petulantly. “She uses magic!”

“I do not!” Regina scoffed. “You have some nerve accusing me of using magic to cheat, Ms. ‘suddenly has the exact amount needed to pay rent!’”

“I mortgaged!” Emma said angrily.

“Like hell you did! I was the banker! I noticed the missing two hundred dollars from the box, I keep count every time!” Regina accused.

“You can’t be the mayor  _ and  _ the banker Regina! That’s illegal! It’s government corruption!”

“I’m not the mayor in the  _ game _ , Emma!”

“Then why did you take the top hat, huh?” Emma jabbed a finger towards her.

“Because you wanted the dog and Henry wanted the horse!” Regina waved a hand towards their son. 

“Leave me out of this.” Henry said as he got up.

“Where are you going?! We’re about to have an auction.” Emma said.

“To get popcorn, if I’m watching this drama…” He gestured to the two of them. “...I’m gonna need snacks.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	14. The Horrible, Cold, Cup of Tea.

“Hello?” Regina answered her cell phone, looking away from the folder on her desk in the Mayor’s office for the first time in an hour.

“Hey Regina.” Emma said through the phone. “I’m on my way to your office to give you my budget report. Do you need anything?”

“Well I’m craving a nice hot cup of coffee right now.” Regina said. “But the last time I asked you for that, you messed up my order.”

“It was an accident! Come on, I’ll get you your coffee. I’ll even go to that new place you like." Emma said.

“Well okay, but please be careful, they don’t know my usual there.” Regina said.

“I got this, have a little faith in me, baby.” Emma said.

“We talked about that nickname.” Regina reminded her.

“That talk ended with my head between your legs, I didn’t realise you screaming ‘Yes, yes,  _ yes! _ ’ wasn’t you consenting to the nickname.” Emma said.

“It was me consenting to whatever it is your tongue was doing to me at the time.” Regina chuckled. “If you get my coffee order right, I might just return the favour.”

“All the more reason you should have faith in me. If not for anything else - I’ll definitely get your order right if sex is the payout!” Emma chuckled.

“So I can put my faith in your libido.” Regina laughed.

“Yep!” Emma said cheerfully. “See you soon, baby!”

“I-” Regina was about to say, but Emma hung up and left Regina to roll her eyes at her girlfriend’s antics.

**_1 Hour Later_ **

“What took you so long?” Regina asked as Emma walked in, holding two cups in her hands and a folder under her arm.

“The line was  _ crazy. _ ” Emma sighed. “But here you go, Regina, a nice, hot cup of coffee.”

Regina took the cup that was handed to her and took a sip, and then reeled back. “Oh! It’s cold.”

“Nice cup of coffee.” Emma amended.

“It tastes horrible.” Regina frowned.

“Cup of coffee.” Emma said again. Regina took another tentative sip and frowned again.

“I’m not even sure this is coffee.”

Emma blinked at her twice. “Cup.”

“Mmhm.” Regina said, putting the cup down and standing up. “I believe you have a budget report for me, Sheriff?”

Emma deflated, handing Regina the folder with a disappointed look on her face. But instead of the folder, Regina grabbed emma’s wrist gently and pulled her forward, placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“I thought-” Emma began but Regina kissed her again to shut her up.

“If our sex life was based on your ability to provide me with caffeine, it would be non existent.” Regina chuckled. “You’re wearing the skinny jeans I like, how am I supposed to resist that?”

Emma smirked. “You’re not.”

“Exactly. Now be a good sheriff and go sit on the couch and take your pants off.”

“Yes, madame mayor.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	15. The Time Emma Got Drunk...Again

“What’s going on?” Snow asked in concern when Regina walked in practically carrying Emma and dumping her on the couch.

“Your daughter is hung over.” Regina sighed. “And she doesn’t want to stay in bed at home because the curtains got burnt down last night.”

“Burnt down?!” Snow exclaimed.

“Please be shocked like...quietly.” Emma groaned, covering her head with a pillow.

“My God, Regina, what happened?” Snow asked. The mayor rolled her eyes.

“Emma got drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire, saying ‘good luck trying to return me without the receipt.’” she explained. “Snow, I want a refund.”

Snow pressed her lips together and tried not to laugh. “I’m sorry Regina, our ‘idiot daughter’ policy means we can’t refund without the receipt, and not at all past the age of thirty.”

Regina rolled her eyes and gave Snow a smirk. “Could I upgrade to a newer model? I think this one may have a liver defect after last night.”

“Neal is only four.” Snow shrugged. “I hear Ruby is single though.”

“You know I can hear you guys right?” Emma complained. “But also mom’s suggestion is hot.”

“Sure, then I can have  _ two  _ drunk idiots to deal with.”

“Two drunk  _ hot  _ idiots.” Emma added.

“Noted dear, I take it you’re calling in sick to work today?”

“Pfft, unless my boss is a total jerk-face.”

“She can be when she wants to.” Regina rolled her eyes. “Call me when you’re feeling better, we’ll have a lunch date.”

“Yes dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	16. Doghouse

“Look who’s in the dog house.” Ruby pointed out as she came up to Emma, who was eating pancakes at the diner counter. “What did you do to piss Regina off?”

“Why do you assume I did something to piss her off?” Emma asked around a mouthful of pancakes. “Maybe I just came here because I love Granny’s pancakes.”

“Because you yourself have declared, rather loudly might I add, that Regina’s pancakes are better than Granny’s - something which nearly got you banned from this diner as you may recall.” Ruby pointed out.

“Granny needs to stop being so sensitive.” Emma shrugged.

“You also haven’t been in here for breakfast since your wedding day.” Ruby noted. “So, what did you do?”

“I may have uhhh…” Emma swallowed her mouthful and lifted her coffee mug to her lips, speaking the next part quickly. “...ShowedHenryHowToHotwireACar.”

“Oh God.” Ruby rolled her eyes. “Honestly Swan, sometimes you might as well file for divorce yourself.”

“Okay in my defence, I didn’t  _ actively  _ go up to the kid and say ‘put the video games down, we’re robbing a  _ real  _ car because that’s way more fun..’” Emma said.

“Did you say that to Regina?”

“...Maybe.”

“ _ Jesus Christ. _ ” Ruby rolled her eyes. 

“I lost my keys! We needed to get home and she would have given me  _ hell  _ for asking her to come and pick us up.” Emma rolled her eyes.

“You have magic can’t you just...poof?”

“Yeah but that would mean that I would have to tell her  _ why  _ I used magic and she would know I lost my keys.”

“Lost your keys,  _ again  _ you mean.” Ruby corrected.

“Exactly!” Emma said. “If Regina’s gonna be mad at me, it should be over something new. Keep some spice in our love life.”

“As long as it’s spice in your love life and not poison in your apple pie.” Ruby shrugged.

“Don’t be ridiculous, everything will be fine.” Emma said. “Yeah Regina’s mad at me right now, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I don’t want to brag but, I have a lot of experience with women being mad at me.”

“Why’s that?” Ruby asked. Suddenly, the diner door flew open and slammed shut.

_ “Emma Eva Ruth Eugenia Swan.”  _ Snow White’s shrill voice rang louder than the door’s bell. Emma shut her eyes, visibly frozen.

“I’ve never heard my full name like that before.” Emma said.

“Your middle name is after  _ Granny? _ ” Ruby asked. “Also...what did you do to piss your mother off?”

“I may have...told Regina that hot wiring the car was her idea to begin with.” Emma said. Ruby took in a deep breath.

“It’s been nice knowing you, Swan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	17. Truth Spell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set in the season 1 plot line, just a heads up

“And you’re sure this will work?” Regina asked.

“Indeed I am Dearie.” Rumple nodded. “You slip this potion into Ms. Swan’s drink and her true intentions will be revealed.”

“Good.” Regina smirked. “If I can prove she’s trying to take my son away from me, I can get a court order. She’ll have no choice but to leave town.”

“Careful now dearie, you might find that the saviour’s true intentions are not as you expect.” the dark one warned.

“Oh please.” Regina rolled her eyes. “I hardly doubt she’s going to proclaim her love for me.” 

“Stranger things have happened.” Rumple shrugged. “And now, don’t you go forgetting our deal. I give you the potion…”

“I’ll give you that pie recipe when I make sure this potion works.” Regina said.

“How can I be sure that you won’t back out if the outcome isn’t to your satisfaction?” Rumple asked. The mayor rolled her eyes.

“I’m no stranger to being left unsatisfied by you, Rumple.” she said, giving him a cocky little smirk before turning on her heel and leaving his shop.

**_That Evening._ **

Regina opened the door to find Emma standing there, with Henry standing right in front of his birth mother, both giving the brunette matching smiles. 

“Here you go Regina, one happy ten year old boy.” Emma announced. Regina, always being a caring mother regardless of who was watching, bent down and pressed a kiss to her son’s head, cupping his cheeks. 

“Hi mom.” he said with a smile.

“Did you have fun?” she asked. He nodded with a grin. “Go wash up for dinner.”

“Okay.” he said, before lifting his head up and looking at Emma. “Thanks Emma, I had fun today.”

“I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow okay?” Emma said, ruffling her son’s hair.

“Yeah.” he smiled at her before he left to do as his adoptive mother bade him. Regina watched him leave before she turned back to Emma, who gave her an unsure shrug.

“Well, guess I’ll be heading home. Goodnight Regina.” she waved.

“Actually, miss Swan.” Regina said. “I wonder if you’d like to join me for a drink? Dinner’s still roasting in the oven and I thought we could...have a chat?”

Emma’s instincts were to go  _ uh oh  _ and ask what she’d done to get her in trouble, but she shrugged and nodded her acceptance of Regina’s offer. After all, bitchy mayor or not, Emma never could resist Regina’s sweet, sweet cider.

She followed the brunette into her home office, taking a look around as she hadn’t been in here since the first night she showed up in Storybrooke. 

“Cider?” Regina asked as she approached the decanter. “Or perhaps something stronger?”

“Cider’s fine, I’m driving.” Emma said.

“Good call.” Regina said, turning around. She kept a weary watch over Emma, making sure the blonde wasn’t looking as she slipped the potion into the blonde’s glass and gave it a quick swirl so that the light coloured liquid would disperse into the drink and not be seen. Satisfied with the potion’s disguise, she turned around, handing Emma the spiked tumbler, the blonde accepting it with a smile before she made a quick ‘toasting’ gesture. The brunette mirrored it with a smile and took a sip, her eyes on the blonde as she took a rather large swig from the glass, much to Regina’s satisfaction. 

“So.” the brunette began. “Any upcoming travel plans?”

Emma gave her a soft chuckle and shook her head. “Not yet. Kind of looking around for a job, actually.”

“We don’t exactly harbour criminals who’ve been recently bailed out of prison in this town, Miss Swan.” Regina quipped.

“Yeah, I kinda figured.” Emma chuckled. “Guess I just have to see what plays to my strengths.”

“A gardner perhaps.” Regina said. “Or, given your shoddy trim job on my tree, a lumberjack.”

“Hey, I own enough plaid.” Emma joked.

“I can see that.” Regina said, eyeing the shirt under Emma’s garish red leather jacket. 

“You know, sometimes the way you look at people just...makes them really confused.” Emma said.

“Pardon?” Regina asked.

“Like...” Emma went on. “You have these really intense eyes. The temperature of the room just gets hotter when you do that. But then again, the temperature of a room gets hotter just by you being  _ in it. _ It’s kind of like magic.” 

Regina took a moment to take in what the blonde was saying and couldn’t help the smirk on her face. Clearly, the potion was working. Now was her chance. She slipped her hand into her pocket, pressing the ‘record’ button on the voice recorder that was hidden in there.

“What exactly do you think of me, Miss Swan?” she asked smoothly.

“Somewhere between ‘Fuck you’ and ‘I’d fuck you’” Emma said easily, her eyes shifting away from the brunette for a moment in confusion. “Wait...did I just say that out loud.”

More than a little stunned, Regina collected herself quickly. “I’m afraid you did.”

“Well I mean can you blame me?” Emma asked.

“Pardon?”

“Look at you.” Emma gestured. “You’re the epitome of grace and poise, you’re hotter than a pool of lava, and god, as weird as this may sound, even when you’re verbally ripping me a new one, all I seem to think about is what you would taste like if you’d just let me put my head between your legs.”

Regina raised a brow at her, a smirk slowly coming up on her face. “Is...that so?”

“Hell yeah. I mean come on, Regina, you have me saying words like ‘epitome.’ Honestly if we weren’t constantly at odds I’d probably be flirting with you 24/7 trying to score a date with you. Hell, half the reason I’m even still in town is the hopes that shit will cool off between us and then...well heat up again in a less bitchy and more...sexy way.” Emma shrugged.

“Miss Swan…” Regina began.

“God, even you calling me  _ that  _ is hot, like it should grate on my every last nerve, always did when I was in school, but you? Holy crap woman, you make the most annoying things seem sexy. I mean, it should honestly be illegal. Like, your whole body should be. It should be considered a biological weapon of mass destruction.” the blonde went on. “Hell, if what Henry says is true, and you’re the evil queen, I’d probably be down. Like I’m not condoning murder and the cursing of untold millions or anything but...I could let it slide if it meant getting to watch you being your hot-ass self in action.”

Regina’s smirk built into a satisfied grin, setting her glass down on the drink trolled before she stepped closer towards the blonde, gripping the lapels of her jacket. 

“Well, perhaps then your  _ honesty  _ should be rewarded…”

**_The Next Morning._ **

“Rumple.” Regina called out as she strutted into the pawn shop.

“I don’t accept returns or give refunds, dearie.” the older man said with a smirk.

“I’m here to pay my bill.” Regina said, pulling out a neatly folded sheet of paper and handing it to him. “Follow the recipe to a T, and do watch how much baking soda you use, it’ll just ruin the crust.”

Rumple took the paper, unfolding it to make certain it was what he wanted, and then smiled.

“I take it the potion worked then?” he asked.

“Well I got the truth out of Emma if that’s what you’re asking, even if it wasn’t what I expected.” Regina shrugged.

“You’ll have to blame her for  _ that  _ unsatisfactory performance, I’m afraid.” Rumple shrugged.

Regina chuckled, licking her bottom lip mindlessly. “Oh no Rumple. I assure I found Emma Swan to be  _ quite  _ satisfying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	18. Movie Night

“Start the movie!” Zelena clapped.

“We’re waiting for mom.” Emma said as she put down a bowl of popcorn and rolled her eyes when she saw the bowl of nachos already half empty and Ruby chewing wildly. “Ruby! Stop eating all the food!”

“Bu’ I wove food.” Ruby said with an overly-full mouth.

“And I love Regina, but you don’t see me eating her every day!” Emma snapped, pointing to the former queen. All three women stared at her in silence with wide eyes and Emma’s face immediately went red.

“SHIT.” she exclaimed.

“What did I miss?” Snow asked as she walked out of the bathroom, clearly not having heard her daughter’s outburst and wondering why everyone was staring at her like she grew a second head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	19. Cheer Up

“Regina?” Snow knocked on the door and walked into her office.

“Leave me alone Snow.” Regina said.

“I heard about the argument with Henry.” Snow said. “Came to make sure you were okay.”

“I am very upset and there is nothing that can make me feel better.” Regina sighed. She opened her eyes a second later to see Snow smiling at her knowingly. She eyed the woman and then looked at the door, getting a glimpse of blonde hair flying in the air through the glass before whoever was peeking in hid away.

“No.” she said to Snow, who moved backwards towards the door. “Don’t!”

Despite her protests, Snow opened the door, stuck a hand outside, and pulled Emma into the room, the blonde giving her a big puppy-dog eyed grin. Before she knew it, Regina was trying her damndest not to smile.

“Fuck.” the brunette groaned, her lips stretching out into a smile which she dropped her head in her hands to hide.

“I mean, if you want to.” Emma shrugged.

“My work here is done.” Snow said with a victorious smile as she left the room, waving backwards. “You two have fun!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


	20. Falling Hard

“Emma!” Regina called up the stairs. “Come on, we’re going to be late and then I’ll never hear the end of it from your mother!”

“I’m coming I’m com-WOAH!” Emma said as she started jogging down the stairs, but then the tip of one of her boots hit a step the wrong way and she was thrown down the stairs, tumbling down the entire flight, much to Regina’s shock.

“Emma!” she shrieked, running towards the blonde when she landed at the bottom of the stairs. “Emma talk to me, are you okay?”

The blonde groaned but slowly opened her eyes.

“Emma? Please tell me you didn’t get amnesia, that would get ridiculously complicated.” Regina looked at her. “Please say something.”

The blonde opened and closed her mouth a little searching for something to say. Regina looked at  her expectantly.

“Emma?”

“I guess you would say I’ve... _fallen_ for you.” she said, giving Regina a smirk and a wink. The brunette’s eyes went wide in sheer awe.

“You literally just rolled down an entire flight of stairs how are you even alive-” Regina ranted before she let out a worried huff of air. “You’re an idiot.”

“Would an idiot quickly cast a protection spell on herself to soften the blow?” Emma asked.

“If she makes a pun immediately after? _Yes._ ” Regina stood up quickly. “Dust yourself off and get up.”

“Love you too babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! <3


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